november & december

this a little review about what's happening in the near end of 2013. i am literally getting everything in place right now. but that didn't come easy. that comes from months of despair, from completely fell apart and gathered the pieces one by one, to finally build the whole new me in spite of all the lesson learned.

the bad days literally encourage me to expand my comfort zone. and that's why i decided to apply for an exchange experience with AIESEC (independent, non-profit, organization) click here. it was a nothing-to-lose effort. i just sent them my cv and motivation letter (my primary aim is to get more international friends and experiences, thus i can be a good journalist someday and i choose Children Issue as my concern). i got interviewed and the questions were pretty much about everyday life. Eventually, i was accepted and attended some of their events. i chose poland and turkey as my destination countries. so the procedure is, i signed in into aiesec.net and this website offers a lot of volunteer projects in which i should choose based on my interest. Then my manager sent my cv to the chosen committee and we just wait for them to contact us back. after 2 weeks, one of the Poland project emailed me and i had an interview via skype. it was rather hard for me to understand his accent. anyway i passed the selection, i got accepted in the project named 'international kindergarten' and my job is to teach english and indonesian culture for little children. Exciting! wait for my further stories!
another memorable experience for me is when i got the opportunity to be the event coordinator for Bluradio's 3rd birthday party. with only 2 weeks and a limited fund, we have to make a music gigs. i actually contributed many of my ideas and energy to this event. and all the committees work hard to get everything done. i love this team because we all have a specific job desk. the gigs was located in Arboretum Unpad (lake and land of grass) and there are traditional dances, magician, comedians, dramas, and bands. On the D-day, the rain pretty much ruined all the decoration and we didn't have any plan B. but we still ran the show even with the unfortunate condition, people came to see and it made me quite happy. at the end, we all flew lanterns to the sky. and it was beautiful. well i learn that not everything in life has to be perfect, sometimes life just has to keep going and enjoy the show.
moreover, i have dated this one man for almost a month. he is a senior of mine. he is more like a friend for me, we could talk for hours, just the two of us, and never running out of topic. he would do silly things with me and it's worth the time for us. he is not quite mature, but he understands my selfishness. and i've always wanted someone who could teach me the right thing without high pitch and foul-mouthed. and from now on, sitting on the bench for hours waiting him to finish his basketball practices will be my routine. but i love it, in fact, i love every moment that i spend with him.

The Definition

Komedi Putar

Oleh: Ahmad Yusuf Ibnu

                Di sebuah karnaval di ujung kota, dihiasi lampu berbagai macam warna, dipenuhi dengan berbagai macam wahana-wahana yang sangat menyenangkan. Semua orang yang ada di kota itu datang dan menikmati suasana di dalam karnaval itu. Anak-anak kecil yang asyik menikmati manisnya kembang gula, para dewasa yang sedang asyik melupakan segala bentuk permasalahan dan ingin menikmati keadaan, para golongan muda yang mencari keseruan didalam hidup, asmara, dan pencarian jatidiri. Semua jenis, semua golongan, semua umur datang ke karnaval itu dan menikmati setiap waktu mereka disana.

Aku sendiripun menyempatkan diri untuk datang dan mencoba menikmati waktuku disini. Ah! Pikiriku sedang apasih sebenarnya orang-orang yang ada disini? Aku sangat tidak mengerti apa yang asik dari tempat ini. Kemudian aku mencoba semua wahana yang ada disini, dari yang paling ekstrim pikirku, tapi ada satu wahana yang mengalihkan pandanganku. Meriah pikirku, kuperhatikan lebih dalam memiliki banyak warna, orang yang naik dan turun dari situ kuperhatikan wajah mereka yang ceria, wahana ini memberikan keceriaan kepada semua orang, aku ingin sekali berada di barisan itu, orang-orang rela berbaris berjam-jam hanya untuk menaiki wahana itu. Aku ingin mencoba untuk mendapatkan sedikit keceriaan darinya. Wahana hidup pikirku. Sebuah komedi putar yang ceria dan megah berdiri tinggi menyentuh langit. Semua lampu yang berada di badannya menyilaukan mata, mengalihkan pandangan orang yang berada di luar karnaval sekalipun.

            Aku hanya duduk sendiri di sebuah bangku di pojok. Aku mengambil sebatang rokok, kubakar pelan-pelan. Warna kemerah-merahan dari bara api menyala-nyala, asap menari-nari merangsang hati menuju langit. Aku duduk dan terus kupandangi komedi putar itu. Ingin sekali aku mencoba menaikinya mencoba terbang menyentuh langit dan bintang-bintang. Bintang-bintang yang berada di angkasa saja iri padamu komedi putar. Terang lampumu mengalahkan mereka semua. Tapi apa daya? Aku takut akan ketinggian, berada didekatmu saja aku takut. Aku hanya bisa duduk disini memandangimu tanpa bisa merasakan keceriaan yang engkau berikan. Hari semakin malam, semua orang mulai meninggalkan tempat ini. Mereka lelah, tapi entah kenapa aku tidak merasakan lelah di tempat ini. Sudah kuhabiskan berjam-jam hanya duduk disini, berserakan sisa-sisa rokokku di bawah kursi aku diam seribu bahasa. Aku harus pulang pikirku.

            Aku akan mengalahkan rasa takutku, sedikit demi sedikit aku memberanikan diri. Selangkah demi selangkah, dan tidak terasa aku sudah duduk disana. Perlahan komedi putar mengajakku dekat dengan langit. Senang rasanya, ceria sekali perasaanku, akhirnya aku bisa merasakan keceriaan yang engkau berikan. Aku merasa sedang terbang, dan aku harap aku tidak terjatuh. Jadi begini rasanya menaiki komedi putar, sungguh aku tidak ingin hal ini berakhir. Aku ingin selalu merasakan keceriaanmu, Komedi putar.

These words were assembled to portray me. I am the ferris wheel of this story. I was described as appealing and rousing like the giant wheel. I was beyond flattered when I first read this. Not because its compliment, but how close it is with how i wish people would feel when they're around me. I am also pleased embracing the fact that I dont have to be super fabulous or stunning to be someone's muse. I just need to be myself. It's enough to give people what I desire them to see. To the one who write this, well, thankyou for teaching me how essential it is to appreciate my uniqueness. 

lonely post

Solitude have became something i had stopped escaping from. perhaps i'm the loneliness itself. Lonely not for the lack of companions or something to do, for I have a bunch of buddies to go with and works to do. more likely the kind of lonely when you are sitting alone, either you are having a bad day or flooded with happiness, you just have no one who is overflowed with enthusiasm to see you succeed, no one who'll simultaneously be crashed when they see you cry. In the midst of my laughter, i remembered how I wanted to tell those hilarious stories to someone. A part of me misses just loving someone and knowing they love me back, that's all.

I encounter these loneliness at the times i was too sad or too happy. that's why recently I choose to stay in the middle. not saying that my life is dull, it's just not quite colorful. But it's pretty enjoyable. Tho I'm having a hard time letting someone in. I get close to some men and I start to make it difficult for them to understand me. I know I have to pass through that phase. I only make it impossible to settle with someone. but maybe, I'm waiting to meet someone familiar. like he's been in my life for so long and he just knows me so well. I want to stumble upon my true love. Selfishly, dont you get tired of painful goodbyes?

every single journey I spend in the bus is the time i am most confronted with loneliness. I often take 4 hours trip from Jakarta (my hometown) to Jatinangor by myself. Those hours when I would be left with my own thoughts. I do a lot of thinking, talking with myself, writing this post. Upon the arrival, I realized those solitude aren't going to kill me. I'm doing just fine.

quoted from Tuesdays with Morrie page 105 (talking about detaching)
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely- but eventually able to say, "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and i'm going to experience them as well."

the reason i have been laughing so often

this is gonna be an honest post 

A couple months ago it broke up and initially i didn't accept it very well. i let him hung me on the line for i thought he just need sometime to make up his mind. but now i'm just glad we did end this relationship. god knows i shouldn't stay any longer with such a coward. he taught me the hard way from your lies, betrays, insults, and curses. it  reminds me that i should not stay to what i less deserve. you were a good pretender and successfully convinced everyone thinking that you're a good man. but i am never ashamed that my friends stood for me. they were there to spill me the reality. it is like everytime my heart crack or lost any pieces, they never get tired of gluing it all over again.

we had no idea where life would drag us. that's the truth. because turns out i am now bestfriend with people who used to hate me. i didn't have a problem with them in highschool. But they were affected by the rumors about me and i admit that i did stumble upon some unforgivable mistakes. maybe in the past i didn't really have someone who would risk everything to forestall me from being stupid. like they do. 

it was destiny that brought us all together. as cheesy as it sounds. we went to the same university and somehow got into the same dorm. everything is unplanned. we need each other to survive college life. i think our friendship start very smoothly because we are so honest to one another. they admit that they hated me and i admit that i was wrong. as they get to know me, they find the good in me. unlike those people out there who never really want to know.

i found sisters i never knew i needed. They are all idiots who makes me laugh till my tummy hurts even after a very hard day. we often embarrass ourselves in public just for the sake of fun. we laugh so loud that the neighbors dislike us. not a single night is spent without sleepover. we made stupid videos and dance moves, karaoke is our hobby. i had never been surrounded by so many hilarious people in my life. we pretty much hate and stalk the same people. we mock each other's flaw and we scold each other's wrong. but we listen to every whines, weeps, and angers. it is just what it feels like to have sisters. we are young and restless.

To Kiki, the one who often argue with me, the one who is perfectionist and overthinking all the time, thank you for taking care of me and my clumsy habit. To alyani, the one who always on diet and the one who make us laugh, thankyou for you advice everytime i feel like my world is falling apart. To prita, the most retarded, the one who is very forgetful yet very royal, thank you for never running out of topic to talk about with me.

much love,

me

Blur but sure

The title above is tagline for Bluradio jatinangor. A streaming indie radio in my faculty. They are pretty famous among students in unpad jatinangor. Bluradio has became a media partner for nearly every campus event these past couple years. Most of the crews are from english major. That's why last year i joined their recruitment. They required us to make a creative CV. The seniors are outgoing and friendly, it was my first impression during our interview. I attended a few months of training. We frequently gathered in a circle and learned about broadcasting. I was awkward at first but after several meetings i've gotten more familiar with my batch.  I'm accepted as a Music Director and my job is to arrange playlists (the theme depends on the program) which contain of 10-40 songs every week. The last challenge before getting our id card was to play "amazing race" which they had arranged for us. It was a fun day indeed. Now i've been an official crew for a year. Next month, i'll be meeting the new applicants.

In a year, bluradio has changed my campus life entirely. For total there are 30 members now. And i wouldn't have as many friends as i do now without this community. I actually get along with the seniors and we create no gap at campus. I become more update about music and often invited to campus gigs which are supported by bluradio. I learn about responsibilty too. We were once came to OZ RADIO bandung for a study tour. Well i think the most thing i'm grateful about is because bluradio help me get in touch with a lot of people. I'm not a stranger in my own campus anymore. Thanks bluradio! family! :) let's rock!

Anyway, wherever you come from, you can visit and listen to us at www.bluradiojtr.com we air every monday-thursday 7-10pm and listen to my music! 

Cry

Here's the thing about me, no matter how under preassure i get, it's not always been easy for me to cry right away. Like those times my ex(s) were breaking up with me, i would just sat there and you knew, told my friend how it happens but no tears. I mean i sometimes sounded like i was crying but not much tears shows up. I think about the last time i actually cry myself out, it was when i had a fight with my mom and grandma has just passed away and she's the closest figure of mother i had because mom has never been a maternal kind of person. I locked myself in the toilet for two hours hugging my grandma's photograph and just cry like i had no other reasons to live. I remember every "cry myself out" moment nearly always happen at the toilet.The way i curled up all my sadness and anger in my chest and not being able to express it out as a tears sometimes really frustrating. I cry but no tears came out and i pile it up until it becomes an ilness. Insomnia, alergic, and sometimes digestion problem. Some other times, when i've had enough of keeping my burden, i would cry over the smallest thing that upset me. Like those time after break up, i went to saloon all alone just to cut my hair and suddenly the employee told me the saloon had to be closed. I cry so hard that the taxi driver was startled. It's like my mind is searching any excuse for me to cry. And it's even harder to cry in front of my friends, except for some people whom i really comfortable and trust, it's only a few people including my bestfriend since junior high and one of my ex who helped me get through the hard time of losing grandma. It makes me sick sometimes that i have to store up my depressions until it explode at a very unpredictable time. That's why i tend to find a getaway whenever i'm depressed. Sometimes i choose the bad way to get rid of my pain but the other time i would just watch sad movies and cry like shit.

I dont know why i wrote this post. I broke up. And everything has been painful since that. But i dont feel like writing about his leaving. Either because i have every right to hate him so much or because he's the reason that lately i dont spend a day without crying. I can't be moved. Depressed

How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away?

Eventually, all we ever do is say goodbye

Good ol' time

Since my relationship at the moment is hanging off the cliff. And i've been trying not to feel it but god knows how blue i am. Blurred line between letting go and holding on. Geez i dont wanna talk about it right now. I was daydreaming to the good old time in singapore and here's some of it 

Universal studio for the second time in my lifetime, and transformer 4d really is unforgettable 

Cute etalase

Giant robot from transformers

The sexy betty boops

Took mrt to almost everywhere

Sigh seeing singapore from 56th floor

Marina bay

Merlion

Shopping 

And shopping again

The famous orchard road

This one before we spreaded to bugis flea market

Changi airport and our excited face 

Outfit of the day

 4 days and 3 nights trip that i've  been missing so much. I was happy and mind free. Just the thought of stepping into new places and shopping. We went to nearly every corner of singapore. I wish now everything weren't so complicated. Finger cross for my relationship. May the best occurs

Not giving up on love

Everyone has ever been in a relationship where the value of your will is less important than the value of your relationship. Which means there are times when you'll just step out of argument or apologise immediately. Merely because you're afraid of separation. 

The word 'break up' is not the word you say according to your temporary emotion or tiredness. It is the word that come out after days or even weeks trying to fix the wrongs. Yet for both of us, it seems quite easy to say give up. I used to say it everytime we're in a severe fights, back then when things hadn't been meant a lot to me.

But now, I want this relationship to work so badly. Regardless to the fact that we're not a perfect sweet couple. You're far from romantic. Yet we could always create our own romance. People say we're south polar and north polar to each other. Therefore, we'll never ever be happy together. Fuck that. I'll have my ears closed.
Eventhough you barely there when i need you. Eventhough you build a wall around your ego and i could never tear it down. Eventhough you insist not to change any of yourself for me. And Instead, demand me to fit you. For you i will, baby. And i might get lost sometimes. But i'm not giving up on this. No matter how it hurts me sometimes to not getting what i want. I'll give my effort.

What i'm saying is, please don't make me feel like i'll never be good enough for you. I have many flaws but quit pointing it at me. Don't say i never try to understand because even little change takes time.  Stop saying i don't make you happy and don't say we'd better leave each other alone. 

I want to spend my months years and centuries with you.  So please help me at the time i fail to understand you, embrace me and tell me the right way. Please hold my hand while saying you'll patiently teach me and wait till i could love you better. Don't desert me while i'm trying hard to be enough for you.

No I’m never gonna leave you darling

No I’m never gonna go regardless

Everything inside of me is living in your heartbeat

Even when all the lights are fading

Even then if your hope was shaking

I’m here holding on

I will always be yours forever and more

Through the push and the pull

I still drown in your love

And drink 'til I’m drunk

And all that I’ve done,

Is it ever enough

-arttm

only good at being young

I have stepped to the 19th years of my existence. 365 more days to my 20th birthday and that's when people will start labeling me as an adult. After all, i'm so grateful this year. Even though my lovelife journey was a bumpy road with a few break ups. I'm thankful for a whole new experience to be a free human being. Live in a different city from my parents has taught me a lot about responsibility, household, management (time & money), and friendship. I'm now sure that at least i can be a good housewife one day. Sometimes it all feels like a burden but gradually they turn to be a habit.
I am so amazed that a year could changed me drastically. My self-knowledge and life-skill have became much advance than before. And now my ambition is clear. I, again, thank god that i bumped into literature major. I dig my skill and make sure that one day i will become a great writer. My mom and dad are also a journalist, i think it runs in my blood to play words and arrange them into beautiful sentences.

Speaking of this, here's little bit of my birthday bash on 17th June

My friends are amazing. They are such a blessing. The beautiful wishes through path, line, bbm, instagram, videos, and voice notes. Made my day! They came to surprised me when i was having a dinner at a restaurant. But especially for my baby, thankyou for coming miles away from Jakarta to Jatinangor to meet me on my birthday. You'll never realized how happy i am cause i could never express exactly how special i felt. To saskia, thankyou for coming the next day, we had a quality time! To prita, the one that arranged everything, you know i love you! To everyone, thank you for every small act that means a lot to me on my birthday. I gotta say......i love my happy life :)

She and him

Hallo! I'm just in the mood for writing. I supposedly work on my 1000 words essay assignment. But of course blogging is an easier option.

So me and him have been together for 48 days. It is a rough and teary journey i must say. He's not that kind of romantic boyfriend. He's emotional and selfish. I still dont know how to cope with his anger until now. He's not the kind who would give his full attention to chat with me. But i'm also not the kind of girlfriend who has full patience. I would get moody and nag about his addiction to game. But once he said "aku main game nyari kegiatan karena kamu jauh, supaya aku ga macem macem" well yea he got me #fucklogic

Lets see things i like about him.

Hmmmm

Nah I know that he loves me and it's obvious. So much that he becomes a lil protective over me. I like it somehow. He was playboy back then in highschool and i heard so many rumours about him, but he wants to be a different person and for me to be a part of this proccess is flattering. The only way he could be romantic to me is by saying i love you so many times in a day. I knew he's too shy to use english. Geez you're so weird, boyf. He puts an effort to see me and provide me well. He would pick me up and get me home on time. He's honest and blunt. He introduces me to his family and friends, makes me feel special. I just completely me when i'm with him.

His habit that i like:

He always wakes up earlier than me and he would awaken me by sending so many messages. I always wait for that moment in the morning

His habit that i hate:

He's a bad driver. A grumpy one. Geez he would scream to other driver and whines so many times makes me sick. And he easily gets tired of driving, he would shut up along the way. If i'm in the mood, i'll just tease him until he gives up. But if i'm not, he'll just hold my hand. And that's when "the silence that doesnt feels awkward" occurs

One day after two weeks being together, he brought me to his family. Me, him, and his cousins (nearly 10 persons i guess) went to bogor botanical garden. I havent met his parents yet. I'd like to put some photos here but my boyfriend hasn't given me any photos from his camera. i was nervous as hell that day. Shit man i became so quiet when he and his brother picked me up at home. The fact that i followed the dress code by wearing red tshirt and my boyfriend didnt even wear red, that really got my nerves. We stopped by at the rest area and there i encountered his cousins. They were funny and chaotic just like mine. They teased my boyfie who seemimgly so calm that day. I laughed and felt more relieved. Along that day i was astonished that my boyfriend never left me behind. We strolled side by side and talked about random things. His cousins told me a lot about my boyfriend's childhood.

After all, that day from scale 1-10 i would give 8,5. Btw, his sister and brother are the kindest of all. They're so friendly to me. Cant wait to meet his parents. My boyf said i get a lot of positive comments from his cousins. Best!

What else i could said about adam erlando. He sometimes says things he didnt mean when we were fighting. But i know and i feel it, he loves me. And that's why i'm hanging on with you, baby. Because your love teach me how to accept flaws. They said just because someone doesnt show their love to you the way you expected it, doesnt mean they dont love you at all.

Maybe after so many heartaches, i've became a grown-up lover.

happy- natasha bedingfield

Any day i'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing 
I’m blinded to the lesson that could be a blessing 
If I'd be confessing that the enemy i'm trying to beat 
Is hiding inside of me
Someone just tell me
That it’'s ok now
What are you worried about
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

my emotion has been so roller coaster lately. at one time, i could see everything in my life is right in place. yet another time, i feel like living in the middle of catastrophe. thus, it is all about point of view. so here's the list of simple things that make my life worth to be smiled at

1. i cut my hair short and everyone's been saying that it look perfectly fresh on me. 

2. i'm in a relationship again. this time no rush, i had been single for 2 months. he is the tallest boyfriend i ever had so far, and his body is in shape because he goes to the gym constantly. he has that sleepy eyes. he's an asshole sometimes and a truly caring person most of the time. 

3. i made a lot of new bestfriends! and they're just fantastic! i lost words to describe these people whose fate has been linked with mine. they bring loads of fun to my life, understand my weakness. never in my life i felt this much secure, knowing so many people literally care about me.

4. my boyfriend and i are having jakarta- bandung long distance relationship. i used to stay as long as i can in Bandung. but now i go back to my hometown more often. so i think it's good a thing that i have a reason to go home besides for seeing my parents.

5. college has not been so stressful. i do all the assignments and i think the mid term's scores are fine. i generally have so much free time. it means i could join another activity to keep me busy. i'm thinking about dancing or maybe work in magazine would be cool. 

6. my birthday is coming in a month. and my holiday plan with the girls is on the next couple months. cant wait! 

how i survived

a few days after

 beer garden kemang

 margo residence swimming pool

 warung pasta depok

 1st week

qq kopitiam kelapa gading

the goods diner scbd

 cihampelas walk

 2nd week

 garut

 santolo beach

 bukit bintang dago

 manglayang mountain

 3rd week

 the origin bandung

 karnivor bandung

 4th week 

pim

 takigawa meet bar in the sky dago

5th week 

margo residence depok

 bamboo dimsum depok

i learn two things:

1. i'll never be a clingy girlfriend ever again in my life

2. i'll never put my friends as a second priority after my boyfriend

i still sometimes vulnerable. see i've been everywhere looking for remedy. and these moments i put here are mending me slowly. not everything is a good news. few weeks ago i just found out, i was backstabbed by my bestfriend (now she's my ex-friend) it's just scary how cruel people could be just because they're insecure of themselves. i also get to know the fact that my ex (not the last one) had cheated on me before we broke up. i was knocked down thinking that i never did bad things to people why do i deserve all the bullshit. and worse they who did bad to me seems to have a very perfect happy life, like karma doesnt work for them. thus, i got a few good point here. i know who my true friends are, them who would never let me down. i became a strong person throughout the emptiness. i laugh at the drama that keep coming to me, it's been a while since the last time i dealt with them (hi! see you again). but like all the drama series in tv, they soon find their happy ending. 

this post dedicated to my bestfriends especially: prita, kiki, saski, pamela, nissa, tasya, achi, dinda, anggita, harsha, dimas kurnia (who live far away but still so close to me), togar. believe me there's no way i could get out the unbearable pain of brokenheart without all these people picking up my pieces and put it one by one. thank you god. i learn a lot