lonely post

Solitude have became something i had stopped escaping from. perhaps i'm the loneliness itself. Lonely not for the lack of companions or something to do, for I have a bunch of buddies to go with and works to do. more likely the kind of lonely when you are sitting alone, either you are having a bad day or flooded with happiness, you just have no one who is overflowed with enthusiasm to see you succeed, no one who'll simultaneously be crashed when they see you cry. In the midst of my laughter, i remembered how I wanted to tell those hilarious stories to someone. A part of me misses just loving someone and knowing they love me back, that's all.

I encounter these loneliness at the times i was too sad or too happy. that's why recently I choose to stay in the middle. not saying that my life is dull, it's just not quite colorful. But it's pretty enjoyable. Tho I'm having a hard time letting someone in. I get close to some men and I start to make it difficult for them to understand me. I know I have to pass through that phase. I only make it impossible to settle with someone. but maybe, I'm waiting to meet someone familiar. like he's been in my life for so long and he just knows me so well. I want to stumble upon my true love. Selfishly, dont you get tired of painful goodbyes?

every single journey I spend in the bus is the time i am most confronted with loneliness. I often take 4 hours trip from Jakarta (my hometown) to Jatinangor by myself. Those hours when I would be left with my own thoughts. I do a lot of thinking, talking with myself, writing this post. Upon the arrival, I realized those solitude aren't going to kill me. I'm doing just fine.

quoted from Tuesdays with Morrie page 105 (talking about detaching)
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely- but eventually able to say, "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and i'm going to experience them as well."