Cry

Here's the thing about me, no matter how under preassure i get, it's not always been easy for me to cry right away. Like those times my ex(s) were breaking up with me, i would just sat there and you knew, told my friend how it happens but no tears. I mean i sometimes sounded like i was crying but not much tears shows up. I think about the last time i actually cry myself out, it was when i had a fight with my mom and grandma has just passed away and she's the closest figure of mother i had because mom has never been a maternal kind of person. I locked myself in the toilet for two hours hugging my grandma's photograph and just cry like i had no other reasons to live. I remember every "cry myself out" moment nearly always happen at the toilet.The way i curled up all my sadness and anger in my chest and not being able to express it out as a tears sometimes really frustrating. I cry but no tears came out and i pile it up until it becomes an ilness. Insomnia, alergic, and sometimes digestion problem. Some other times, when i've had enough of keeping my burden, i would cry over the smallest thing that upset me. Like those time after break up, i went to saloon all alone just to cut my hair and suddenly the employee told me the saloon had to be closed. I cry so hard that the taxi driver was startled. It's like my mind is searching any excuse for me to cry. And it's even harder to cry in front of my friends, except for some people whom i really comfortable and trust, it's only a few people including my bestfriend since junior high and one of my ex who helped me get through the hard time of losing grandma. It makes me sick sometimes that i have to store up my depressions until it explode at a very unpredictable time. That's why i tend to find a getaway whenever i'm depressed. Sometimes i choose the bad way to get rid of my pain but the other time i would just watch sad movies and cry like shit.

I dont know why i wrote this post. I broke up. And everything has been painful since that. But i dont feel like writing about his leaving. Either because i have every right to hate him so much or because he's the reason that lately i dont spend a day without crying. I can't be moved. Depressed