judging ourself

happy eid-ul-fitr dear readers. this celebration is indeed full of victory for moslems, including me. but i come up a little vulnerable. not that someone let me down, maybe it's just me try to judge myself. before college, i had few bestfriends but not much of them consider me as their betsfriend, at least that's what i feel. but now gratefully i have many people who would proudly say i'm their bestfriend.

judging is a relative thing,  depend on which eyes it come from. but honestly speaking, we do compare ourself with others. we can say whether we are smarter, more beautiful, more popular, or even less sociable less talented than anyone around us. then something bother me, can we assess these things like; how good we are as a friend? how good we treated our friend? how sincere we are to our friends? and even more...how does our bestfriend feel about being our bestfriend? do you get it? we can't never really know it.

because with our bestfriend, we are ourselves. we can never fake it. and even if we're not good enough our bestfriend would end up just accept it. or if they ran away, then they're not our true one. that's innocent thinking but that's what i believe. why? because i'm that kind of person who no matter how badly my friends treat me, i will stand by her. i will be there at the end of the road when no one gives a fuck to you. i can accept if my friends arent good enough for me as long as they appreciate their life and walk in the line.

"She’s my person. If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She’s my person."
— Dr. Cristina Yang - 'Drowning on Dry Land' 

that's me you would like to call

but lately i feel like i'm not good enough for them.  i cried, a lot. i just wanted anyone around me to accept me and my flaws because i believe i also have the good. but somehow they made me feel like my flaws have covered all the good things i have. that's the saddest thing for me. i know their good intention i know that they have all the rights to judged me because they know me so well. but it feels like they use what they know about me against me. i started to think that i am so bad that i dont deserve to look good in front of anyone. geez i'm so sentimental. the thing is, i dont give a fuck if people can't see my good, but these are my bestfriends. these are the most important people in my life. the one that i always sacrifice my best for. and i'm not good enough....

as if i always do something that is not right. i'm clumsy, i'm forgetful, i sometimes put my boyfriend first,  i sometimes get lazy. i'm sometimes selfish, i sometimes dont want listen to my bestfriends, i sometimes dont always tell everyone about everything because i wait for the right moment. but all the things i said above, doesn't it suppose to be mistakes everyone has at least once do to their bestfriend? but i always be honest with my bestfriends, i'm not ashamed to say how much i love my bestfriend, when anyone having a birthday trust me i'm the one that's too excited to make them happy. i care too. i dont want a reward for that.

and i never talked behind my bestfriend's back. i had a history being backstabbed by my ex-bestfriend. she told my secrets to her new friends. my sin my shameful history. but what hurts me is not the people knows how bad i am, what hurts me is that i know her fucking worst secret her shameful secret but until now that we are not bestfriend anymore, i never tell anyone. got that? that's what happen when you give your 100% and you didnt get it back. so i'm kind of sensitive when my bestfriend tell my other people what she doesnt like about me. i try not to fuss about it. but deep down, it bites me. i mean if i had something that i think is wrong from you, i would tell you. and find the solution.

i'm also that kind of person who likes to try new things. i make myself busy i find my adventure. i'm busy as hell and it's my fault that sometimes i had to put my bestfriend in the second priority. but i swear at the time they really need me, i would fucking be there for you. i can't stand in one comfort zone for too long, but i dont go find new one, i expand my comfort zone. i dont forget people that i really care about. so it's kind of make me mad when people think i forget them or even more when people forget me because they think i already forget them.

i cant say all these things to them directly. because i'm really stupid at this kind of uttering my heart. i'm good at writing. but if i say this to them i would end up being harsh and judgmental. i even wanted to cry. but my boyfriend say i could cry as much as i want but i should never judge my bestfriends. means that i believe they have a good reason for what they've done. i know. maybe one day, i'll be a good enough person for everyone, and i'll look back and thanked my friends for making me feel this way. who knows?

sorry i blabber too much, dont read this. you might not understand it because i sometimes dont understand myself as well.