the ATM tale

this isn't a sad story. just a tale. an unfortunate tale with sad ending. but this isnt sad.

i was passing by the atm centre in our campus. i've passed that place a bunch of times since i was a freshmen. but this time it was different. it gives me a flashback. a real one i almost think i saw your ghost. i saw us sitting there.

that chilly night 3 months ago. we were having a bad bad phase of relationship. i did something awful and you get too ignorance about me, so for few days it had given me so many tears. i came to the time that i wanted to give up on us. but i wanted to stay as much as i wanted to leave. so i stay quiet in my tears. then you called me up and asked to me to dinner. you said you need to take your money in the atm first. so i waited for you near the atm door. i sat alone as if looking for a view but there was nothing except the dark cold night of jatinangor. you got out from the atm door and sat next to me. we stayed quiet. and it did feel warm and hurt at the same time. and i started it. i was always been that girl who thinks she needs to express everything in her mind. so i asked what was wrong with you all this time. and you explained well, though still make non sense to me. but you did look like you have no bad intention to me. and that was enough. we talked pretty long because i was hard-headed. i still couldnt get the way you sometimes didnt want to share your feelings with me. the way you need time to explain things that should've been explained right away to avoid missunderstanding. but that is just you. and i need to learn to be that person you have the urge to tell everything immediately. thus, we started to laugh because you are stupid and i love you. we started to laugh because i was self- centered and you care about me so much. we started to laugh because we've just realized that we had spent one hour in front of the atm centre talking about our relationship. we didnt even feel the chill because we were so into the conversation. it might didnt mean anything to you. but for me, it means we dont need special place. we dont need special occasion. we just need the talk. and we can be anything that we want as long as we talk.

so after now we ended without having a decent talk. i was the only one that get crashed. i was thinking to take you to the atm centre. just maybe so we can talk.

i miss talking to you. i didnt really miss you in a lover way. but you and your maturity that i get used to, having you that i can confide to. and you will reply with your wisdom and i will be hard-headed. but listen to you eventually. now that we are stranger again. it doesnt feel sad. it does feel really weird. as if the 8 months never happened. as if we're the same two person who lay each other's eye on the cafetaria 10 months ago, our first meeting. and what make it more odd to me, that i still think you're a good man. i still believe in that. even when everyone around me knows that you have done bad things to me. and you're fine with that. it doesnt hurt me that you broke our commitment. honestly it just hurt that i'm not irreplaceable to you. i know i will be replaced, but not too soon. i would ask a decent period of time to mourn. but you are with her now. because i wasnt worth it. i mean nothing. it's no longer about me being left. it's about how much you've lied when you said i mean something to you. how much i've lost all my self-esteem, how much i've lost self-appreciation. how much i've lost my appetite because i dont think myself is important. because if someone had been with me for so long and he can replace me without a guilt, doesnt it mean i'm worthless?

i'm at the lowest point. not because i lost you. because i no longer know my value for others.

so, a decent atm talk was all we ever needed.