heartbroken

It has been a stressful time, i have to admit. thinking about my health had been the last priority. until finally i got knocked down by this disease. i was hospitalized for 4 days. giving my body a rest from outside world is off course needed, but for my mind being in the same room for days laying in the bed is a tragedy. i almost losing my mind, i'm telling you i aint kidding. actually the symptoms of my illness have been shown since couple weeks ago. i experienced fever, nausea, and vomiting. the doctor said that i suffered typhus and had a low platelet. hence, i took the medicine at home and for a few days i felt better. but the nausea still didnt stop and so mom decided i should take a blood test to make sure. i went to another doctor and the result said that my liver is infected with virus. wow! suddenly it become severe. turns out the nausea feeling comes from my infected liver not from typhus or my stomach. i was feeling upset because i've got a lot to do at college, but instead i have to stay at the hospital. they gave me infusion in the back of my left hand and i had to stick with it, it hurts me everytime i moved my hand too much. they took my blood once a day. i came to that point where injection doesnt hurt me anymore because i've had too many! i also have diet to keep away my heart from working too hard. i dont allowed to eat fried foods, sour and spicy foods, and everything else should be low fat.

i literally have my heart broken and it still in recovery. i'm now having bedrest at home, which is a little much better option than the hospital. but figuratively my heart has been broken too. haha i have a serious deal with heart. i hope, he whom has made me laugh these past few weeks, i hope he's the one who's gonna fix me physically and mentally. i miss that figure, frankly. and since everything that i expected has rolled away, i'm giving in. i believe that god doesn't give us what we want because he's planning us to end up with things we needed

updating

dear readers! :)

i'm kinda in the middle of something. i kinda miss the old life in jakarta and my pals and the glee that attached with them. doesn't mean i dont enjoy being where i am now. i just kinda miss the feeling surrounded by them. by him. jakarta life was much more complicated, sophisticated, and expensive. here in jatinangor everything is more simple and slow.  and no matter how many times i go back to jakarta for a two or three days staying, everything still doesnt feel the same. so maybe it's what they called 'move on from your life' haha! i feel funny.

let's alter the topic. so, in my first year here, there is an event that has to be attended by all the freshmen. the committees are taken from the seniors, and the event is parted into 3 session. it is called GATES. the committee this year choose a theme from one of the bestseller book 'The Hunger Games' the first session was occurred last August, they gathered us, divided us into 14 district (as in the Hunger Games's book), and held some games. that wasn't really special for me, but it did help me to discover new friends from my major. btw, the freshmen is called 'Tributes' also based from the book.

And the second session was held couple weeks ago. nevertheless, every district had to choose 2 persons (boy and girl) to wear the costume, which also must related to the story, that they made by themselves. i was chosen to be the volunteer girl. i wore a vintage blue dress and my hair was braided with blue ribbon. wearing an old brown pumps shoes. Katniss, the main character of the story, also wore a vintage dress when she volunteered herself to replace her sister. That night was almost similar with promnight because everyone's dresscode in formal outfit. the decoration was quite romantic with the candles and white tent. also a few guest stars were singing among our presentation. we were asked a few questions about The Hunger Games to get a good score. At the end, there was an awarding for best costumes, best district, best volunteer, etc. My team didnt win, anyway. But it was all for fun. And the third session is waiting for us next month. I was impressed with the committee's creativity in making this event works. i'm so ready to be the next year's committee.

 see you on the next post, i'll probably tell ya bout my lovelife :)

this life

been the 3rd week here in Jatinangor, Sumedang, West Java. i am completely all by myself since i have broken up a month ago. but my conscience told me "you're living it nadira! your dream!" well, that makes everything a lot easier. sometimes i get angry with this situation but then i remind myself  "this is the process you must go through in order to live your dream"

so i just make peace with myself. accept everything as if it is supposed to be that way.

my days continue naturally. my schedule in college isn't as hectic as back then in school. i meet these three girls whom i really close to at the class, they are Kiki, Rizka, and Tya. i'm glad they are a very loyal friends, ready to hear and help me through post-breakup. my favorite class is Grammar class because my lecturer, whom was graduated from America, is so sophisticated. and what also interesting is Introduction to Prose class, because i learn (by reading) short stories from a famous authors like Ernest Hemingway. i enjoy my classes.

in my dorm, i am very happy to introduce you to my friends Vanda, Prita, Esta, and Alyani. we came from the same high school but we weren't as close as we are now. we spend SO much time together. breakfast before school, dinner, and then sleepover at night. all we do is pretty much gossiping, laughing, eating, and stalking people. much much fun! they are the reason i shouldn't grieve for too long. we have gone to Bandung several times on the weekend. but none of us actually know the direction. it was such an adventure. i always find myself drowning in laugh everytime i'm with them.

nonetheless, there is time when i found myself alone in my room. no one looking for me. i accustom myself to clean the room, to push away those feelings. i actually feel responsible to make my room comfortable. i wash the dishes and do the laundry by myself. my relationship with mom and dad is splendid, more than we ever had before. they've visited me twice this month. and we have a good time :)
well, i've changed a lot. i always having a tough time being single. but now, i have to face it, in the situation where i mostly need someone to lean on. that's an irony god want me to cope :) i know the happy ending is there, either near or far. i'll keep holding on :)

for you, though i know there isn't a chance for you to read this, the pain you caused has taught me not to trust anyone but myself. i was stupid, really stupid, but you're not a mistake. the blame is on me. we are unfinished for me. but who says that we must finish reading one novel, before opening the new one? i'm closing your bullshit.

eventually leaving

i dont know why everything seems to be heartbreaking lately. i have been experiencing trouble sleeping lately. haven't got rid the pain of breaking up, yet i have to deal with other kind of sadness. my friends are leaving our hometown, Jakarta, one by one. they're chasing their dream, taking college out of town and some even abroad. i started to think that i'll be losing all those laugh and those exquisite moment that they've put into my life. rewind back, i felt beyond happy to meet these hilarious people in my life, they make me feel really enjoy high school. the way i have never felt before.

 prita (unpad, bandung), saskia (unbraw, malang), kiki (unpad, bandung)

 rafa (uin, jakarta), vania (telkom, bandung), esta (unpad,bandung)

 rifka (unbraw, malang), stevani (ugm, jogja), me (unpad, bandung)

nissa (ui, jakarta), ayu (German),  juliet (German

 we'll meet again my friends, maybe not now, not a month from now. but we'll meet again even after months being separated. i know that true friends never lose the true meaning. different joke but still the same us. different experiences, but still the same mockery. i'll be waiting for the day we'll be gathered, drinking a bit, and laugh again. so long my friends, chase your dream like there's no tomorrow

this video fits perfectly to my current feeling

now i know how it feels like

i dont know how to begin this post. odd. because i tend to have a good energy on writing everytime i get my heart broken.

I hope you know, I hope you knowThat this has nothing to do with youIt's personal, myself and IWe've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanketBut I've got to get a move on with my lifeIt's time to be a big girl nowAnd big girls don't cryDon't cry, don't cry, don't cry 
The path that I'm walkin', I must go aloneI must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grownFairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay 

  Big Girls Dont Cry - Fergie

i have just break up with such a good man. if my heart was a puzzle, then he's the piece that almost fit. almost. unfortunately. i spent almost too many nights thinking how could i succeed with this long distance relationship. while i've failed once, long time ago. just thinking about how we will slowly drifting apart, already tore me. i dont wanna go through that shit again. no, it's not that i gave up on us. but i just know, that he's not the right one to do all this LDR thingy. he needs my presence around him to make our relationship worked. i love you, really. i do very much in love and grateful to have you. but this is my time, to really face my university life and i cant do that while thinking of someone miles away from me. so i decide.i cried, horrible time, believe me. but i'm mature enough to know that this is the right selfish decision for me. i'm sorry i make you cry. it is the last thing i wanna do to you :( i break your heart. but i've given you so many chances to change your attitude, to convince me. but you and i know, we couldnt make it. please, dont cry over me any longer. it devastated me. i dont want to be hurt more than i already felt. please understand just because i cut this relationship, didnt mean i stop loving you. they said "if you love someone, let them go, if they comeback to you, they'll be forever yours" so let me fly my wings and wander my free soul, and one day if i get tired maybe you can provide me a lifetime shelter. and thank you, it has been the most splendid 10 months with you, you've changed me in a way nobody else could. 

:( 

the future is now

so here i am writing with a box of pizza and a glass of chocolate milk. my life these past few months have been a struggling battle. graduating from high school is a wake up call for me. that this is it, my future standing so close to me. that future called university. probably for some people, including my mom, public university is way more prestigious than private university. for me, it's not about how cool it would feel to get into popular university, but to prove that 'hey! i ain't just that spoiled little brad with no brain!" being underestimated is just not my thing.
dreams, i'm always full of dream. as so many teenage girls have always been dreaming, i always imagine live far from my parents. living free, tasting the luxury of being an adult. i always feel overwhelmed everytime i think of it. where you can decide whether you want to make your bed or not, waking up early or late, or even eating noodle in the middle of the night. and every little consequence will be on your hand. you're going to broke down and regret things but then you move on not doing the same mistake. that's how challenging to be a free human being.
about me as the only child, dad once said "someday when i and your mom have gone, you will have to living on your own." and that sentence hit me hard. i mean i got not sibling to watch over me when i'm sick or even lend me money when i'm broke. i do have cousins, but things wouldnt be the same i guess.

moreover, i believe that god give us an option of which faith we would want to take. so after all the hard works and tears of depression, i get this :

this was beyond amazing. i was very upset after failed on my SNMPTN test. at that moment, hoping was a dangerous thing to do. but i have my faith on god, i pray and i beg to be given the chance to make my parents proud, to be given the chance to study in the major that i really keen on, and there i go! i get into English Literature on University of Padjajaran Bandung. it's always been my passion to wrote a bestselling novel or became a VOA correspondent.

i believe in the power of god, because i experienced it myself, how god is so kind to me, he listen to my non-stop prayer. and for some other people, maybe god answering your call with a different way. but this is the way it is given to me, magnificent!

so i got my dream on the track and i got what i have been hoping for since i grew up. not in an easy way, i sacrificed a lot of pain. and now i got so anxious yet so overwhelmed, I'M GOING TO LIVE ON MY OWN, OUT OF TOWN, FREE! it drives me crazy, one side i feel scare about not being able to cope the situation but the other side i know that this is a maturity process. i'll make myself  get used with Loneliness, so it couldn't beat me anytime in the future. i'm ready for the tears and desperation i'm going to face in the future.

i'm so ready, world!

cherish life to the fullest

hey readers, i'm officially 18! i feel old....i started this blog when i was about 14. and all the journey.....i'll never stop asking for more in live. i'll live for more and more adventures. well, but most of all, i want to living my live as a respected person, a person that live with her own decision, free and happy. i'll be contented. amin!

anyway, my birthday was on 17th June. almost a month ago! haha! sorry for the late post, i have a lot of things going on in my life right now. that day i didn't get surprise from my friends, i went out to dinner with my pals at Lucy in The Sky Sudirman (the photos still on my friend's camera until now!) and also with my boyfriend. he's so cute giving me a birthday cake and perfume as the gift. well i can't deny that i was expecting more from my girls. but that day ended up pretty well.

the next day i was going out with my boyfriend when suddenly the car was stopped and here i saw my friends on the street looking awkward. and.............they kidnapped me! i was tied up with duck tape all over my hands, feet, and even my face!!!!! damn. and then they put me on the back of the car with my eyes closed. apparently they brought me to one of my friend's house who was having a birthday too. after also kidnapping her, they dropped us to a garden near the house. and then they spilled eggs, flour, and coffee all over our body. it was disgusting and smelly. but thank god i could untied the tape and help my other friend. 

it was a blast! haha! after taking shower, i got a gift from my girls. then me and my birthday friend, treat them all for dinner. it was a night full of laugh and happiness. thanks everyone especially my 'UG girls' i feel loved! <3 <3 yay

we will not grow old

You and me will be lying side by side
Forever, forever
Underneath this adolescent sky
Together, together
And you will hold my heart inside your hand
And you'll be the one to tell me
Oh we've got a long, long way to go
To get there
We'll get there
But oh, if there's one thing that we know
It's that we will not grow old
You made me swear that our hearts will never die
No never, no never
'Cause no one seems to believe that we can fly
Forget them, forget them
Oh how could we know that day, it came with age
That oh, the feeling would fade...

We will not grow old...
 (a song by Lenka)

graduation and promnight has passing by. and last week was my 18th birthday (will post about it later) but still there's no sign i would want to trade my teenager label into an adult. or maybe just like one of Gemini's characteristic, my heart will stay young. i will still giggle while blowing bubbles just like 5 years old kid. i will still sulky everytime my boyfriend or my parent act sucks. i'll still get bored easily and living life for fun. it's my life.
about being an adult, i'll never ready for it. but for me it's a process of life, you'll never realise when or how. it just happens along with all the problems and solutions you find in life. so just enjoy! (i always do) i wish i could adjust with college life. i wish i could study out of town because for real i want to be free, living life with my own decision even for the littlest thing. i want to be bad now just for the sake of being good in the future. i wanna learn to live without my parents, i want to cope with loneliness. because later, i wont have any siblings to count on.

and high school, thanks for letting me know that the world is a cruel place to be yet a fun game to play.

spreading the love to everyone in my highschool's life! xoxo

the rainbow of my life

loyal readers, i had been telling you bout how hard 12nd grade was. there were times i'm haunted by insecurity. there were moments when i envy my other friends having their own clique. for a while, i didnt feel close to anyone. but i can make it through the rain, finding the rainbow in the end :) destiny put us all on the same class and we have a lot in common. we don't do gossip too often, we likely talk about ourselves. i mostly love our karaoke time, that's when we gone real insane. even in a short period times, i know i could trust them. no one talking behind anyone's back, no one having secret they wont reveal. and my girls surely know how to have fun xoxo

ini namanya prita, suaranya bagus cita citanya pengen nyamain raisa. idungnya suka jadi sasaran kata-katan soalnya gede banget. tapi dia orangnya paling bloon ngocaknya :( kalo dia udah ngelawak bisa ampe guling guling. orangnye pede banget, kepedean malah. trus dia kalo berantem ama pacarnya ampe banting meja bangku di kelas(literally happens) dia perame suasana top markotop. oiya sesama juga stalker sejati jadi ngomongin orang paling enak ama dia haha (girls still girls)

yang ini saskia. orangnya cuek gasuka ngurusin orang lain. paling suka ngomong 'apasih kenapasih' dengan nada jutek, lumayan nyablak. kalo awal pasti ngerasa dia galak. tapi orangnya ternyata perhatian dan nyablaknya justru yang bikin dia orangnya ga fake, apa adanya. dia temen seperjuangan intensif tiap pagi jam 7 bangunin gw nyemangatin les. love you ayang :*

inilah kiki. biasa dipanggil si banci soalnya raganya emang cewe tapi fisiknya sekuat laki. dia sama gw paling suka yang namanya bisnis jualan apapun. kiki orangnya heboh, bawel, suka gosip juga. orangnya gamau santai, ribet bgt, kadang suka ngomel ngomel sendiri. super harus segera dan rapih kalo ngerjain sesuatu. kalo ga bisa kepikiran sendiri sama dia. gabisa dibawa santai

this is ayu my chairmate!!!! and my dance mate! love of my life banget. dia suka dikatain gila...soalnya emang jalan pikirannya suka gila. suka ngelakuin hal hal yg diluar nalar kita. kepo banget. suka nyeletuk ga nyambung kalo lagi ngbrol. tapi sebetulnya innocent. orangnye ribeeet, ampir setahun jadi temen sebangku musti sabar ngejelasin hal simple yg dibikin ribet. orangnya bisa banget dipercaya. bisa banget diajak ga jaim.

namanya stevani, jenius anaknya. bakat jadi guru kalo diajarin ama dia pasti ngerti. dia udah resmi jadi anak ugm tehnik industri. dia gapunya cita cita hidupnya terlalu cuek ikutin arus mengalir asal jangan ampe tenggelem aja. walaupun jenius dalam pelajaran, tapi dia suka lemot, suka nanya pertanyaan bego yang bikin org males jawabnya. suaranya melengking banget, kalo dia udah mulai brntm sm rifka, siap siap tutup kuping.

this one is rifka. mukanya cantik, kelakuannya seenaknya, gasuka jaim. suka ga nyambung atau lebih tepatnya lemot udah gitu suka ngotot kalo lagi dijelasin sesuatu. kalo udah debat sama stevani gabakal ada ujungnya karena dua duanya sama sama sok tau. suka disebut preman johar soalnya tinggal di daerah situ. pendiriannya teguh. real batak

kalo yang ini nissa, fotografer kita. nissa sering banget ngegalau walaupun lagi punya pacar juga. kalo lagi badmood kata katanya suka jleb. orangnya sensitive kalo nyenggol dia siap siap dibacok. tapi orangnya sebetulnya kekanakan banget. ketawanya gede banget. dia sering dikatain dugong karena ukuran badannya hihi

cewe satu ini namanya vania. orangnya heboh banget dan kocak, dia yang nambahin keberisikannya kita klo lg ngumpul. kisah cintanya selalu galau, dia dan nissa disebut duo dugong karena badannya se-size dan sesama galau-er. vania tuh orangnya sabar banget, dia paling sering dikatain sama anak anak soalnya pasrah.

naaah ininih jendral kita rafa, dia juga sering dizolimin. abisnya orangnya suka jayus banget ditengah tengah orang lg ngelawak, ga nyambung kadang. dia partner kiki sebagai 'Laki' diantara kita semua soalnya dia strong dan mukanya kayak cowok haha. tapi dia tuh sebetulnya lugu. kalo baru kenal pasti ngerasanya dia sok asik, tapi emang dasarnya friendly. sama dia apa aja bisa diasikin. ngomongin apa aja nyambung

ini dia esta tapi dipanggilnya emie soalnya rambutnya keriting banget aslinya kalo ga dicatokin. emie tuh paling alim diantara kita semua. paling bijak paling pendiem juga sih, dia bagian ketawanya aja. kalo dulu jaman tambahan kita suka cabut, dia stay sendiri. emie suka dibilang pelit sama anak anak haha soalnya sedikit perhitungan.

yang ini si cantik juliet, paling tinggi diantara kita. dia beda kelas sendiri tapi tetep caur juga kalo udah ngebaur. orangnya heboh, aksennya betawi banget. tonjok tonjokkan mulu ama pacarnya. tapi juliet tuh orangnya perhatian peduli ama temen ga cuek.

and me? they all call me 'Mami' for an unexplainable reason :p we call ourselves UG. reading the description above, you could see the conclusion, each of us is a very bawel and heboh person. so just imagine how noisy it would be if we're being gathered in one occasion. sometimes I look at my girls and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?" they paint my dull world into a whole new colorful one. smooch!