Japan Post 1 : Loneliness and All the Ramblings

Today is the loneliest i have been out of the last 17 days i spent living in Tokyo. I have projected this coming. Yes, easier said than done. I am much aware that loneliness is undeniable in this case, but still knowing doesn't mean doing it easier. Or maybe, i didn't really see this coming, what i thought about loneliness is what i usually experience, in the littlest form itself, but what i get now is much much more about being individual and independent to the level that i had never imagine before. So i dont know how to call this feeling. I just feel tired of being a stranger and everyone is a stranger. is it okay? is it human? can someone tell me if what i felt is normal?  there are a lot of things unanswered and i really am tired of looking for the reason why.

Why today? well, it started from small occurrence. I felt dizzy today when I woke up and I turned off my alarm for another 5 minutes slept. but I wake up at 8.10 am, i was late for work. I was really sad to the fact that my roommate didn't wake me up. we lived in a same house, sleep in one room, going to the same place, and literally seeing each other 24hours/7 days. It's like, she could've asked why i didn't wake up before she left. i'm not blaming anyone, i'm just wondering why it is so hard to show act of caring. why people are so individual that they decide not to give a fuck. i know it's a different culture and way of being raised, i'm being open minded as fucked. undeniably i cant stop this incident to make me feel the loneliest human being in this planet. how i don't have anyone to count on. i was all sick in bed and with bad mod and severe headache today just thinking about this.

I had this moment before, back then i spent time in dufan (amusement park) with my team. before went back home, i left them to go to the toilet. and i said to one of them to wait. eventually, they went back home without me. 2 cars, 15 people, no one remembered i was supposed to be there. it happens to me by the people that are working together with me for almost 1 year. so now i was counting my roommate that has been with me for only 3 weeks, it is impossible. It is me that was stupid in this case, i'm obviously too naive.

I went hang out with new people today. Well, it was worse. i felt out of place, i felt like this new person whom must be engaged into the conversation. well, it's not that im not trying. but I've been really tired of starting conversation just to fill the silence. you know, starting from the scratch. I've done that to many people since i came here. i barely remember details of their life. I'm exhausted of this small talks, of getting to know, of letting them in, of fake laugh, of fake excitement and of caring out of formality. it's all so artificial. i just want to be all alone not talking to anyone. it's way way better, because nothing feels familiar anymore. i miss having a deep talk.

I know if i tell people back at home, they would tell me to be grateful. they are not in my shoes, and having expectation on them who lives miles apart and having all the privilege of comfort and familiarity is non sense. yes i'm grateful that this city is well-developed, that i can walk safely and pollution free. this city has everything. i meet cute kids everyday and i get free home and, even my flight is funded. i had everything to settle in. I have "friends" and "roommate"and go travel every weekend..I can live this dream of everyone else's.

But there are struggles behind all of it. as much as i want to, i can't ignore all the irritating process. I still have to go through everyday in work place having no one to talk to for 9 hours because none of them speak English They have a really interesting and different education system but i helplessly cannot learn from it. Even children sometimes avoid me because they have to talk English. And friends? i don't even have anyone around whom i can smoke with. If i see from this point of view, it means 6 months without laughing out loud. with the slow internet of japan (literally), it's just couldn't get any worse tho.

But i'm just blabbering because im sick of being all strong and nice and optimistic. I'm sorry if this post wasn't what you expected it to be. but this is the reality. Still 5 months to go, i hope i discover something besides all the individuality and ignorance. As much as i want to discover myself, i love to build a connection. I must get something out of this experience, i have too much at stake. I have been forgetting the reason why i want to go here in the first place. but i know that would be unfair to the old me who work so bad for this. I get used to do everything with a purpose. but now i'm running around  believing in the universe to give me the answer later. Well at least i realize something about loneliness. it's not when i'm all alone in the middle of crowded street, but it's when i start to expect love from other that i feel lonely at most.