The Art of Nothing to Lose

I haven't been writing that much this past couple years. I do write for assignments, emails, or even long caption in social media. But to actually write and share my thoughts in blog, it's not something familiar anymore to me. Funny how I used to write a lot in my teenage years. There is an idea that brought me here to write. I feel like I need to share it, if maybe anyone feel the same. It's about the art of nothing to lose.

How did I come up with this idea? Simply I was doing team bonding game with my current team of AIESEC Indonesia. We played game about getting to know each other, with no prize or even recognition to the winner, since there were only us there. But we were all so excited to win and compete to show the best in a short amount of time. At the end of the game, our coach said, we win just because we want to feel winning and we even do our best just because we have nothing to lose, the only urge is from ourselves.

It is funny how when you have nothing to lose, things get more exciting. Just because you know you dont have to worry and sacrifice much, but the bonus is, you can gain something if you do perfect. It's a win win situation.

I started to contemplate this with everything that happen in my life. I was working so hard ever since I jumped in AIESEC, especially in the national level where I have bigger responsibility and I have salary and working hour. I left my thesis unfinished, I live far away from my bestfriends, and I spend most of my time for this organization. While if I didn't continue my AIESEC journey, I could have continued my ordinary life and graduate. If I didn't choose to become achiever and ambitious bitch in AIESEC and if I didn't care that much about my members, the world is not gonna end. I mean, instead of being hard-worker, I can always become just ordinary girl who finish her literature bachelor and go to work. And nothing's wrong with that. There are a lot of ordinary people who live an ordinarily happy live. Nothing to lose.

But that's not the case. AIESEC put me in a environment full of people that is not living their live with ordinary happiness. They choose to be happy with something that is being earned. It's the key. I choose this path. The path of being undergraduate last-year student who work in NGO with mediocre salary. No one force me and I have nothing to lose. But a lot to gain.

My first nothing to lose opportunty from AIESEC is when I became project leader for social project in AIESEC Bandung. I was so happy that I was offered to be a leader, no one has ever trust me before. Thanks to AIESEC for that. Trust from this organization is what have made me who I am today. But what happen next is failure. I got a lot of critics, and it didn't come in a gentle way. I let may people disappointed and they looked down on me. I felt so small, like the most stupid human being on earth. That is when I use the art of nothing to lose. This is just a small project, it will not effect my life that much tho, these people who hate me will forget me years from now. So I kept going for my own sake. I kept going not because I'm afraid that I will lose anything, I kept going not because I'm afraid of these people. I simply get going because I want to feel the satisfaction of not giving up, of telling my self that 'Hey I beat you, I didn't quit' I did it for myself. If I just quit halfway, that's when I lose, because I didn't gain anything. I'ts about making more gaining when you know that you are losing, so that what you lose became so small compare to what you got. 

This project made me realize that even when I made one person smile, it's already a winning for me. I didn't quit because I saw my teammates and I didn't want them to feel like a quitter too, so I continue for them. I didn't quit because of the small impact that I made on this social project could mean a lot to the unfortunate people. I didn't quit, because after every failure, I have new set of development and skills. Remember  to be consistent, sometimes the only way to gain as much as what you lose, is to stay longer. So when you didn't feel satisfied with what you get, stay until it is worth it. Dont leave until it is.

I jumped to become PR for AIESEC Indonesia. It is amazing that how being nothing to lose can bring me to a place so strange and so new, and I still can enjoy it. The one that keep me sane is my own ambition.

Receiving so many awards, I became addicted to the feeling of making others want to achieve something too in their life, for being role model, and for being recognized. And aiming for self-recognition is not something that need to be ashamed of at all. Every human being has it, it's in our vein. We want to be exist and useful for others. It's really different with narccissm. If aiming for self-recognition can take you to do big things for others then why not? Remember that in order for you to grow more, you need to know how to appreciate yourself at times of winning.

But there is also time when I feel that maybe this AIESEC experience is not worth it at all. When I try to become a leader and it always fail and people turn to hate me. When I didn't do my task perfectly, while people expect so. When I came back to my circle of friends and I barely understand of what they are talking about. When I fight with my ex because of AIESEC. When I feel so fucking tired and got no time to rest, when I feel like I cannot find a single person in AIESEC that I can rely on. Even sometimes I hate myself for always talking about AIESEC. It sucks. Big time. If you see it this way, it seems like losing a lot. But now I just realize, It's not about is it worth it or not. Im not losing, if I get something out of it. So I am the one who can make it worth it.

The bestfriends who stay with me during my AIESEC experience are the truest one. The harsh feedback and hate that I got from my members are my biggest learning and development. The pain and sickness that I got make me realize of my own self-limit and make me realize how to take care of myself in order to be productive. And the friends in AIESEC, I could always learn from them.

So it's not about losing, it's about gaining. Dont let yourself lose more than what you got.

The art of nothing to lose happen also in a small way. For example, when someone in group chat is asking and you are not replying, you might not lose anything, but if you do, you make one person smile. And that  is your gift to that people. If you don't finish your report or task in AIESEC, you will not get fired, because we don't have boss here and we work voluntarily. But if you finish it on time, you will get used to it. It became a set of qualities that make you more advanced than million of other people in the world. Remember that in AIESEC you can fail, but in real life, you just can't afford it.

I realize that human has an ability to do things beyond what they thought they can. And it is also human nature to be afraid of losing but wanting to get and give. That is why, when you can live your life with the art of nothing to lose, life is not that bad after all.....

AIESEC for me is a prize at the end of the day. I will always get something. So why not?