I have just read some good pieces of writing and it makes me finally less afraid to write. Im not realy capable of accepting whatever going on in my life right now. And i was anxious that i will make myself more miserable by writing each thing that doesnt go right. But the reason i need to write is because i havent been honest to myself, about how i lost it all.
Fighting for someone and letting go of someone, it seems opposite to one another but actually it compliments each other. I encountered both, i wasnt being forced to let go of what i'm fighting for, contrary, what i'm fighting for force me to let it go. Sound tough, eh?
Sometimes I wonder how I end up hurting the people that love me in the process of pursuing my own happiness? Or how i eventually made someone that i fight for so long, asked me to let it go? Is it because i am too selfish? Fighting for someone that doesnt want to be fought for? Why can't they do the same for me? Or am i putting too much of my happiness above others? Am i only fighting for me, not actually for them?
It feels more like losing hope than broken. The feeling of guilty, of not wanting to trust every decision i made for myself, of lost promises and broken expectations everyday.
I believe i was born really good at fighting for something. Since day one, since the day everything seems impossible (even it still is until now), since we met, i always know what i wanted. You. I didn't fight for the ending, i know it wouldnt work out, but i fight to be in the journey with you, even just to figure out when things wont go right anymore. I couldnt ask for more. But it made me happy, i did it for the sake of being happy.
I endep up fighting for people to fight for me. I make believe to myself that my fight for them in the past is a good enough reason for them to fight for me. Even when they never ask me to stay the day i walked away. But what's the point if someone fight for you just because you asked them to do so? And that's all we do, we keep hoping for each other and asking them to make us stay. There, we already lose the battle.
We never realize or at least me in this case, that the feeling is no longer mutual between us. That after everything i put at stake, I never lost the feeling. It's a really different story for him.
I admit that i was the one who wanted to end this, i was exhausted of fighting alone and i wanted someone to give me reason to stay. I realize it was stupid, really stupid. I came back just to read the word "too late" on the front door. How come i get nothing, i wasnt fought for and i was left cold outside.
It's histerically funny, how everyone ended up feeling hurt by me. I had always remind them to stop taking me for granted and being there for them even when they make me sick. And boom once I exploded and gave up on them, I become the monster for them. They never realize all i want is to stay. If only they ask.
Here comes the part of letting go. By slowly accepting how you treated me and slowly making you less important just like how you did to me. Honestly, i do not take it easily. But i have to.
I'm leaving next month to Japan. I'm living all this behind. I don't know if this is bad or good, but at least i can be the one who is leaving. I get tired of not being a good enough reason for someone to fight and stay with me.
It's a never-ending quest of sorrow to actually fight for someone that will never fight back for you. Stop doing it, Nad.
