Fighting for, Letting go

I have just read some good pieces of writing and it makes me finally less afraid to write. Im not realy capable of accepting whatever going on in my life right now. And i was anxious that i will make myself more miserable by writing each thing that doesnt go right. But the reason i need to write is because i havent been honest to myself, about how i lost it all.  

Fighting for someone and letting go of someone, it seems opposite to one another but actually it compliments each other. I encountered both, i wasnt being forced to let go of what i'm fighting for, contrary, what i'm fighting for force me to let it go. Sound tough, eh?

Sometimes I wonder how I end up hurting the people that love me in the process of pursuing my own happiness? Or how i eventually made someone that i fight for so long, asked me to let it go? Is it because i am too selfish? Fighting for someone that doesnt want to be fought for? Why can't they do the same for me? Or am i putting too much of my happiness above others? Am i only fighting for me, not actually for them?

It feels more like losing hope than broken. The feeling of guilty, of not wanting to trust every decision i made for myself, of lost promises and broken expectations everyday. 

I believe i was born really good at fighting for something. Since day one, since the day everything seems impossible (even it still is until now), since we met, i always know what i wanted. You. I didn't fight for the ending, i know it wouldnt work out, but i fight to be in the journey with you, even just to figure out when things wont go right anymore. I couldnt ask for more. But it made me happy, i did it for the sake of being happy. 

I endep up fighting for people to fight for me. I make believe to myself that my fight for them in the past is a good enough reason for them to fight for me. Even when they never ask me to stay the day i walked away. But what's the point if someone fight for you just because you asked them to do so? And that's all we do, we keep hoping for each other and asking them to make us stay. There, we already lose the battle. 

We never realize or at least me in this case, that the feeling is no longer mutual between us. That after everything i put at stake, I never lost the feeling. It's a really different story for him.

I admit that i was the one who wanted to end this, i was exhausted of fighting alone and i wanted someone to give me reason to stay. I realize it was stupid, really stupid. I came back just to read the word "too late" on the front door. How come i get nothing, i wasnt fought for and i was left cold outside. 

It's histerically funny, how everyone ended up feeling hurt by me. I had always remind them to stop taking me for granted and being there for them even when they make me sick. And boom once I exploded and gave up on them, I become the monster for them. They never realize all i want is to stay. If only they ask.

Here comes the part of letting go. By slowly accepting how you treated me and slowly making you less important just like how you did to me. Honestly, i do not take it easily. But i have to. 

I'm leaving next month to Japan. I'm living all this behind. I don't know if this is bad or good, but at least i can be the one who is leaving. I get tired of not being a good enough reason for someone to fight and stay with me.

It's a never-ending quest of sorrow to actually fight for someone that will never fight back for you. Stop doing it, Nad.

Go Alone, Be The Alien

Have you ever think about taking trips alone? To be alone in the crowd, to be alone in foreign countries, to completely depend on yourself in a very strange places, and to only be able to talk to yourself for hours? The old me neither. But it was a long time ago. Turns out my life afterwards are full of lonesome journey that i never thought i'd be brave enough to take. Even when you looked at me, you might not be able to imagine how many solo trips i had been through. Being an alien among the living, that's how i will describe these experiences. I wasn't scared anymore of being seen alone and people think of me as a freak. Maybe because some of my solo trips are beyond my own imagination. It takes part in another continent, in Europe. I always have unique experiences.The one that very special was my when i took 22 hours bus from Poland to Amsterdam. 

I already had a bad feeling when i got into the bus and the driver told me that i must change to another bus in the next 2 hours. It wasn't stated in the booking, but i tried to convince myself that it will be okay. At that time, i didn't have polish sim card and only had 20 euro cash. So i completely can only depend on myself. When we arrived in the rest area, which was in the middle of nowhere, i immediately put my luggage to another bus. I told the driver that i need to pee and i asked how long till they will leave. He said ten with his hand (he didn't speak english), so i said "Okay i'm going to toilet, please wait for me." I wasn't that long in the toilet. But when i got out from the toilet, I saw my bus already on the exit gate, i couldnt possibly catch it. I realize that all my luggage was there and i basically have nothing. You know that moment when your heart beats so fast, you start to think so quickly about ANY solution that is possible. I ran to other bus who park there, and i told them i was left by my bus. I went to the bus with the same company. The difficult part is the drivers can't speak English. So they just asked me to sit and called someone for so long. I had no idea if they understand me or not. It was the moment i cannot breath and i couldn't even cry because i'm too busy making scenarios in my mind. Then they told me to go with the bus that were going to London. They said something in Polish that i did not understand at all. I just sat in the bus wishing myself luck, until they stopped on the next rest area and there you go my bus. One of the officer from my bus came to me and said "Sorry i forget to wait for you" in English. I was like......don't care anymore. I just feel grateful. I went through the next 20 hours not talking a single word to anyone.

Arriving in Netherland, I stopped by in the tram station near the suburban. I brought a big suitcase and dragged it to the station and i realize i had no coins and they don't accept paper money. So I went to my bus company and asked them to change my money into coins and they CANNOT do that for i don't fucking know the reason. And of course, i still didn't have wifi to contact anyone in this whole world. Once again, i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, one of the officer told me to go to the next station by walking around 500 meter. Besides my big luggage,  what scares me is the street was so narrow and creepy, eventho it's 1 pm. No one pass by and a lot of big trees. I'm scared as fuck, but i had no choice. I didn't even know where exactly the station is, just following my instinct. Everytime i saw someone pass by, i always thought he could've just killed me and robbed me and no one would ever find my body in that place. It felt so long, eventho i never walk that FAST in my life. I finally arrived and had to asked a lady to help me with the ticket machine and i even confused on how to get into the tram. I was a stupid bule. I made it to Amsterdam and ate by myself. Well, to complete the day, you might should know that after using all the money to eat, i ended up realize that i couldn't take my money from atm, so i change my rupiah and i have only 10 euros. I had to wait 1 hour in the Amsterdam Station for my friend to come and check in into the hotel. It was indeed a hilarious day.

Besides this, I also have some short trips alone in Europe. I took train from Warsawa to Katowice for 4 hours by myself. I ate in the cafe in station and the cashier, who of course cannot speak English, tried to fool me by giving me wrong change. I have to gather my guts for so long to ask for the right amount. I was so nervous but i act cool. One of the memorable trip also happened when i had to catch my plane on 6.30 am from Asmterdam to Rome. I took the first bus at 4 am from my hostel alone to the airport. At that time, it was still dark. There esd only me and 2 African dudes in the bus. They kept looking at me. Me and my big luggage. But i tried to be positive and i look through the window, Amsterdam was quiet, unlike the day when it was so busy. I watch the sunrise by myself. It think i was lucky enough to see the empty Amsterdam. Well, after that i almost miss my plane because the airport was so big.

Other crazy shit had ever happen to me once, when i was late to check in on my plane from Poland to Germany. They literally have closed the check-in counter. And the plane was ready to take off. But they wait for me. I brought my big luggage to cabin and pay 60 euro for that. I was the last person that get on the plane. Oh and the best part, they had to open my luggage and literally throw everything that have liquid and even check my underwear in front of all immigration people, talking everything in Polish. Again, i'm too panic to even think. I just get away from that successfully. When i remind back, i sometimes couldn't believe myself. There are countless trips alone, domestic or international. I was going home alone from Berlin to Jakarta. The best part was, I only have 1 hour transit time in Doha and my plane was late 30 minutes. And the immigration in Doha is always so long and they check every fucking thing you brought . So i was literally running from the plane, going through the immigration line, and get into my gate safe and sound. I almost die of panic attack, everyone was looking at me. I was again, an alien.

How did i turn to be this brave? Well i think it was because of my exchange experience with AIESEC. I went through 6 weeks in Bielsko- Biala, a very small city in south poland. That 6 weeks, i went alone everyday to the school where i'm teaching. My first day i was lost, i stopped in the wrong bus stop. I called my hostfam but because i have wrong pronounciation of the station name, she must spend 30 minutes to finally find me. It was winter with 2 degrees and i wait outside for that long. Freezing and alone. Other time when i was lost, i tried to find my own way back. I went through a lot of moments like this, i did my grocery shopping alone or visit my friends and went through the dark street where no one pass by at all.  That small city teach me a lot about being brave and independent.

These are just few of my solo trips. After i work in AIESEC Indonesia, i did a lot of visit out of town by myself. From economic train until executive bus, from delayed airplane to missing the train. From 5 hour train to Semarang until 15 hours bus to Purwokerto. From being all alone in the Jogja bus station at 4 am until almost missing my bus in Sidoarjo, because i waited in the wrong station. 

I am proud of me as an extrovert, i have conquer the biggest fear, being alone with myself for so long. I ALWAYS avoid being alone in normal time, so these times when im alone, it was something i never knew i needed. First, i become really aware of my surrounding. Looking at careless people who always skip the line or people who are as lonesome as i am. I become really aware of my body and belongings, i put attention to every part of my physical self, something that rarely happen in real life when you get too busy. I sometimes think about sad things when i look at the window, even when the scenery was so beautiful, everything can hurt. Every song can suddenly bring past memories. Sometimes i suddenly cry, other times i smile like crazy looking at videos or pictures in my phone. 

But there are also times when being alone makes me come up with what i should do next in life, i evaluate myself. Sometimes i felt so lonely too, like, i realize maybe if i gone missing no one would really care, that's when i remember that i can never count on anyone but me. I learn a lot of things that i didn't thing i will know, like to always ask anything to security and officer. I become THAT brave to ask and communicate with strangers, otherwise there will be catastrophe. I learn to be positive thinking, even when i'm so scared that something bad will happen to me, but i must conquer my fear. I learn to be smart when the situation was so shitty. I learn even learn small things like reading map, using ticket machines, and standing in the right lane. I learn to be alien, to get used people looking at me strangely or speaking something that i don't understand.. I'm just grateful that i have these experiences. it isn't always beautiful, but i wouldn't trade this with anything else. You know what else so good? You don't have to follow anyone and you can do whatever you want, it was a trues freedom.

If you read this, i don't think you will learn anything important. But i hope you find bravery to be alone with yourself, to go through trips, step outside of your comfort zones. It was so beautiful knowing that i could d such things that i didn't think i could. It makes me more confidence in other things in life. Go, don't doubt yourself. Be the alien. 

Making The Choice

Tonight, Im terribly missing those times when making hard choice is as simple as dont know where to eat, dont know where to spend my saturday night, or event just to choose what outfit to wear.

Tonight I realize how as i am getting older, making hard choice actually means making hard choice. The kind of choice that will affect the rest of your life. If you know that broken heart makes you lay awake in the night thinking why you are not good enough, what about making choice? It makes you wake up in the morning thinking how clueless you are with your own self. It makes you realize how you never really know what you want. It's kinda ruin every piece of your self-esteem.

Tonight I am thinking back of the choices i made. Eventho I've tried to make it simple when explaining to everyone who asked the reason behind my choice, but in fact every time i answered, it's myself that i am trying to convinced. Not them. I am trying to make believe. I am trying to sync between the reason that my brain made up with what i really feel.

Tonight i realize it's never gonna be easy. Not such thing as making the right choice. Because even if you choose between A or B, eventually A and B will still hurt you. Because no such thing as perfect. Knowing this doesn't make it easy tho. It even makes you want to quit instead, not choosing anything. But you could never bear the regret if you do. So yeah, you still stuck in this riddle

Tonight i realize that it's not about A or B. It about believing in yourself. It's about saving yourself. It's about being bold, knowing what is your needs. It's about being selfish. It's about not letting anyone make the choice for you. It's about giving your 100% to the choice that you made.

Tonight i am trying to be bold. I admit that my choice is not the great one. But it is the right one. How do i know it is? This is why human needs best friends. Right at this part in your life where you know what is right for you but you don't feel like you deserve it, that's when your best people step in. Letting you know that it's not gonna be alright all the time, but it will someday.

Tonight i'm facing my own choice. I embrace it. I surrender myself to it. I no longer want to runaway from it. I dont want to doubt my own choice anymore. I accept the fact that it is okay to need time to adapt to your own choice. That it is okay that not everyone will like, comply, or understand your choice. It is okay that in the process you will feel hurt and pain and feel stupid because it is actually your own choice. I'm only human.

Tonight, at this very moment, I allow myself to forgive. To be bold. Once my friend said " Karma only exist if you believe that you have done something bad. It doesnt apply if you are doing something because you believe it is right."

Tonight, at 1: 38. My vulnerability has became my power. To see the world beyond just what other people need from and think of me. But to see it with my own perspective, to save myself. I am gonna learn and love fully through my own choice.


PS : This is to everyone who think they have made the wrong choices, i was there....

The Art of Nothing to Lose

I haven't been writing that much this past couple years. I do write for assignments, emails, or even long caption in social media. But to actually write and share my thoughts in blog, it's not something familiar anymore to me. Funny how I used to write a lot in my teenage years. There is an idea that brought me here to write. I feel like I need to share it, if maybe anyone feel the same. It's about the art of nothing to lose.

How did I come up with this idea? Simply I was doing team bonding game with my current team of AIESEC Indonesia. We played game about getting to know each other, with no prize or even recognition to the winner, since there were only us there. But we were all so excited to win and compete to show the best in a short amount of time. At the end of the game, our coach said, we win just because we want to feel winning and we even do our best just because we have nothing to lose, the only urge is from ourselves.

It is funny how when you have nothing to lose, things get more exciting. Just because you know you dont have to worry and sacrifice much, but the bonus is, you can gain something if you do perfect. It's a win win situation.

I started to contemplate this with everything that happen in my life. I was working so hard ever since I jumped in AIESEC, especially in the national level where I have bigger responsibility and I have salary and working hour. I left my thesis unfinished, I live far away from my bestfriends, and I spend most of my time for this organization. While if I didn't continue my AIESEC journey, I could have continued my ordinary life and graduate. If I didn't choose to become achiever and ambitious bitch in AIESEC and if I didn't care that much about my members, the world is not gonna end. I mean, instead of being hard-worker, I can always become just ordinary girl who finish her literature bachelor and go to work. And nothing's wrong with that. There are a lot of ordinary people who live an ordinarily happy live. Nothing to lose.

But that's not the case. AIESEC put me in a environment full of people that is not living their live with ordinary happiness. They choose to be happy with something that is being earned. It's the key. I choose this path. The path of being undergraduate last-year student who work in NGO with mediocre salary. No one force me and I have nothing to lose. But a lot to gain.

My first nothing to lose opportunty from AIESEC is when I became project leader for social project in AIESEC Bandung. I was so happy that I was offered to be a leader, no one has ever trust me before. Thanks to AIESEC for that. Trust from this organization is what have made me who I am today. But what happen next is failure. I got a lot of critics, and it didn't come in a gentle way. I let may people disappointed and they looked down on me. I felt so small, like the most stupid human being on earth. That is when I use the art of nothing to lose. This is just a small project, it will not effect my life that much tho, these people who hate me will forget me years from now. So I kept going for my own sake. I kept going not because I'm afraid that I will lose anything, I kept going not because I'm afraid of these people. I simply get going because I want to feel the satisfaction of not giving up, of telling my self that 'Hey I beat you, I didn't quit' I did it for myself. If I just quit halfway, that's when I lose, because I didn't gain anything. I'ts about making more gaining when you know that you are losing, so that what you lose became so small compare to what you got. 

This project made me realize that even when I made one person smile, it's already a winning for me. I didn't quit because I saw my teammates and I didn't want them to feel like a quitter too, so I continue for them. I didn't quit because of the small impact that I made on this social project could mean a lot to the unfortunate people. I didn't quit, because after every failure, I have new set of development and skills. Remember  to be consistent, sometimes the only way to gain as much as what you lose, is to stay longer. So when you didn't feel satisfied with what you get, stay until it is worth it. Dont leave until it is.

I jumped to become PR for AIESEC Indonesia. It is amazing that how being nothing to lose can bring me to a place so strange and so new, and I still can enjoy it. The one that keep me sane is my own ambition.

Receiving so many awards, I became addicted to the feeling of making others want to achieve something too in their life, for being role model, and for being recognized. And aiming for self-recognition is not something that need to be ashamed of at all. Every human being has it, it's in our vein. We want to be exist and useful for others. It's really different with narccissm. If aiming for self-recognition can take you to do big things for others then why not? Remember that in order for you to grow more, you need to know how to appreciate yourself at times of winning.

But there is also time when I feel that maybe this AIESEC experience is not worth it at all. When I try to become a leader and it always fail and people turn to hate me. When I didn't do my task perfectly, while people expect so. When I came back to my circle of friends and I barely understand of what they are talking about. When I fight with my ex because of AIESEC. When I feel so fucking tired and got no time to rest, when I feel like I cannot find a single person in AIESEC that I can rely on. Even sometimes I hate myself for always talking about AIESEC. It sucks. Big time. If you see it this way, it seems like losing a lot. But now I just realize, It's not about is it worth it or not. Im not losing, if I get something out of it. So I am the one who can make it worth it.

The bestfriends who stay with me during my AIESEC experience are the truest one. The harsh feedback and hate that I got from my members are my biggest learning and development. The pain and sickness that I got make me realize of my own self-limit and make me realize how to take care of myself in order to be productive. And the friends in AIESEC, I could always learn from them.

So it's not about losing, it's about gaining. Dont let yourself lose more than what you got.

The art of nothing to lose happen also in a small way. For example, when someone in group chat is asking and you are not replying, you might not lose anything, but if you do, you make one person smile. And that  is your gift to that people. If you don't finish your report or task in AIESEC, you will not get fired, because we don't have boss here and we work voluntarily. But if you finish it on time, you will get used to it. It became a set of qualities that make you more advanced than million of other people in the world. Remember that in AIESEC you can fail, but in real life, you just can't afford it.

I realize that human has an ability to do things beyond what they thought they can. And it is also human nature to be afraid of losing but wanting to get and give. That is why, when you can live your life with the art of nothing to lose, life is not that bad after all.....

AIESEC for me is a prize at the end of the day. I will always get something. So why not?

I don't want anything else in life. But you are forcing me to look at wealth and at horizons that I have never known. Now that I have seen them, and now that I see how immense my possibilities are, I'm going to feel worse than I did before you arrived. Because I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don't want to do so.
The Alchemist

Here i am writing at 3 am in the morning, doing something that i have ignored for months. I haven't been writing anything for myself, i'm busy doing things that in aiesec term is called developing others. Somehow, i have forgotten to nurture myself along with the people that i love and care about. Writing this blog was my therapy, after sometimes, i started to think i dont need it anymore. Until tonight i kind of falling apart, and i have no one to confide to but myself.

Sadly, but i never had time to talk to my own self. The old me could never be that kind of person. The old me was melancholic, the old me always have so much time to think about her feeling. I'm still impulsive though. I just miss the clueless version of me who is trying to impress others but think that she can't never do it, so she just had fun with her life. I went through this blog page, i was that kind of person who prioritize friendship and worship my own happiness. That stupid version of me who is fading.

The thing about the current me is, she knows what she can do and she knows how to impress others. And once the feeling of being able to prove something to others struck you, it's addicting. the kind of placebo that please you fleetingly. I am so busy, doing this and that. I found my passion, I want to work for those who is unlucky and need help.  But the questions haunt me, what if i forget about my self? what if i ran too fast and i forget to stop by to see my own life. i forgot to think that everyone have their own race and speed, and people would finally get tired of trying to follow me. They would actually run in a different path with me. But i will not realized it until i stop to see no one's left, i have no choice but to run my own race, against myself, i dont have anyone but me.

Because it does feel so homesick.You go day by day and everything feels the same. But when you look back, you're surprised of how much things have changed.....