Not Graduating on Time and All the Lesson Learned

I wrote this a moment after I graduate from Universitas Padjadjaran. I am really overwhelmed with so many feelings that I don't know if it can be described as happy. This might sound narcissistic but i am proud of the journey I had went thru to get here.

Chapter 1 : Postponing College for Working in AIESEC

To start with, i graduated after a long period of 6 years. Yep 4 years of actually studying and 2 years of struggling and juggling between working and making thesis. Or at least how it supposed to be. But in reality, a year ago i just decided to focus on my work in AIESEC Indonesia. I didn't really do my thesis. I wish i’d say i regret it, but i’m not at all. I don't have a complicated and long answer. I learned things in AIESEC that i couldn't learn in college.I work as Public Relations in AIESEC Indonesian (I really work from 9-5 with salary). My mindset was if i had to lose my time in college for this, then i have to make the best of it. The hell of how other people think. 

At the time I started working, all my other friends were still staying in Jatinangor and working on their thesis together. I felt jealous. I felt left out. I thought it will get better in time. But it doesn’t. As years gone by, they graduated and started to work.On the other side, I had just finished my 1 year contract with AIESEC. So when they are settled with what they have, it's my time to struggle with thesis. I have no one to share my experience with, someone who is in my shoes. It’s really hard. Always being in different timeline with everyone else. I felt lonely. Honestly. And I blame myself for the situation. I hate my self for being so ambitious and passionate. But I realise it’s the cost i have to pay. Nothing comes for free.

Chapter 2 : Going to Japan with a burden 

I wish this sounds more like a fairytale where I left college to follow my passion for a while. But truth be told, I lost my "why" for studying in literature since 2 years ago. AIESEC is a place to run away. Being in that organisation makes me filled with so much passion and ambition. I feel my existence is needed for the world. And it give a contrast experience from college. Especially two years ago, my thesis research has no relation with me at all. I questioned a lot: what is the impact of my writing to me and to others? What is the purpose? I can’t seem to find it. While in AIESEC, I can find the glory of creating impact.

Timing is everything. After had been abandoning my thesis for 1 year, I came back to college and insisted to finish my old research title. But my college didn't allow it, my title has expired and and I have to wait another 6 months. I must propose new title and start everything over. It made me feel more frustated about this thesis thing. Exactly at that time, opportunity to work abroad in Japan came. For exactly 6 months. I didn’t even think for so long, I took the chance.

So there I was going on an internship while leaving my college abandoned, as people said. It’s really hard to live with people’s judgement and assumption. They think i abandoned my college for AIESEC (since this internship is related to it). They have no idea of despair that I felt when I am obligated to wait for 6 months to start my thesis. The best thing about Japan is that I learned more about my purpose. How important is it to stand for what i believe in.

Chapter 3 : Writing about home

When I eventually came back to Indonesia, I can't no longer run away from my thesis. I propose a new thesis title which talk about “unhomely” or feeling of homelessness. Basically I wrote an essay about one of Bobbie Ann Mason's works during my first year of college and took my lecture’s advice to write about it again. Never know that writing about it can actually change my perspective about myself and literature. I always think that the study wont give much to me than the world can offer. But the writing process have changed my mind. 

Personally being homeless is something that really close to me since i was a young girl. Living in my grandparent’s house while my mom and dad busy working. As a little girl, i always question the normal life that my other friends have. I wonder why my definition of home is really different with others. They go home to their parents everyday, I didnt. During college and AIESEC work, I lived apart from my parents for years. Eventually after 23 years, I now live in my house, only with my mom (my dad is no longer in the picture). My whole life, I never experience going home from work/school with both of my parents home. So the condition of feeling home is never related to any place and I tend to assign those feeling to people.

Writing about "Unhomely" feeling supported with theory and depicted thru characters in fiction is a really personal experience to me. I know everyone must think analysing a fiction is a crazy useless thing. I once thought about it. But when I write something that i experience myself, It all just make sense. This bias of home that I never been able to describe my whole life is beautifully explained through literature and philosophy. I finally understand the purpose of this study.

During the process, I also learn about the culture and history of American (according to the setting of my story). Literature record history in so many forms. Not only on the event, but how history affects the lifestyle and people mindset. If you want to read what happens in Indonesia on 1945, you can read historical books. But if you want to know how the independence affects the live of Indonesian people, read the fictions and novel made on that era. Literature can capture it all. 

I used to think that writing is only about expressing my feelings. And then I come to a realisation that it is so selfish to only write about what I felt. While there are more action i can do for the world. However, this thesis process has changed my mind entirely. If i express myself, with a great foundation, I can help other people recognise their feeling and what they want to express. I can represent them through my writing.

Chapter 4: Being Lost Just for Being Found 

Of course the long lost period of not writing has made me doubt myself and my ability to write. My lecturers once said to me in a bitter argument during my 3rd year in college:

 “You were really great when I first know you. Your writings on your 1st year make me think you can become something extraordinary in this major but then you join AIESEC and you turned ordinary. “

It really bothers my mind. First because my pride was hurt. Writing was always something that I am proud about. It’s like losing the acknowledgement to your own skill. But what my lecturer said at that time really affects me. And somehow it’s like giving me a permission to be more involved in AIESEC. Since I feel other than I have no purpose to write, I also don't have the skill.

Writing about home, i feel like treasuring back my own feeling and trying to put words on the loneliness, confusion, that "lost" feeling, and emptiness that i have always felt during my childhood. I got 2 best supervisors that really guide me through it all. They’re the one who make me think everything is a blessing in disguise. If the universe let me graduate earlier with my former thesis, I would have done it for the sake of obligation. I wouldn't come out with this revelation and understanding about my studies and my self.

When I got an A score for my thesis, i felt really proud of myself. It proves that all this time, i didn't lost my skill. It’s always there waiting to be explored. It was the journey of being lost and being found again. Writing is part of me now. Later when i ever doubt my writing skill, this score will always remind me of my own capability.  And of course this "A" score is something that assure me and will remind me later of how great I can be if only I do things wholeheartedly and purposefully.

Epilog

For those people who blames AIESEC for what has happened to me. You don't get it right. AIESEC is a period of time that god put in my timeline, one I will always treasure. To help me come to my self-searching and find my true identity, value, and passion. And without being lost for a while, I wouldn't find what is the true meaning of writing. Just my thesis come to conclusion, "you wouldn't be able to search for the meaning of home without feeling unhomely to start with". I guess at this point, being lost is for being found. And not all that lost is bad. It is meant to give you the urge, to keep looking. To give you the life that you deserve.

I have successfully graduated from Literature Major with a life-lesson. 

PS: For those of you who also feel homeless. I recommend you to read Bobbie Ann Mason's books : Shiloh & Other Stories (1982), Zigzagging Down The Wild Trail (2002), and Nancy Culpepper (2006). Hope you find your home :)